Part 11~ The Visitation

About 96 hours had passed and we were dressing and getting ready to see Hailee one last time. I put on the new blouse and my old dress pants and tried to do my hair and attempted make up for the first time in days. I looked over my boys to be sure they looked sharp, made whatever adjustments needed to be made and off we went.

The day had been spent getting last minute things ready to go and all of a sudden, we were in the car and on our way. I struggle to describe to you what my heart was doing at this point. It was somewhere between longing to see her and sheer and utter panic at the thought of seeing her. How would this go??? I think we were all feeling the same way.

I do not recall the ride to the funeral home, or really even getting there. I am not sure what was said we we got in the door, but I would imagine it surrounded bringing things in and getting things organized.

Then.....
It was time.....
We were going in and we were going to see her. It was surreal. Probably the strangest feeling of my existence.

I remember first glancing in the direction of the casket at the end of the visitation room. Then, I knew I needed to put my right foot in front of my left and make some forward progress. The simultaneous urge to run away and also run toward at the same time was unnerving, at best.

Somehow, as a solid family unit, we moved forward. Toward her. Toward reality. Toward pain. We moved like a school of sunfish toward her, in that beautiful wooden box, surrounded by what looked like the Garden of Eden in flowers surrounding her. 

When we arrived at her side it was unbelievable. She was the most BEAUTIFUL, obviously departed, Angel we had ever seen. We were able to immediately see past the paleness of her skin, the lifelessness of her body laying in front of us to see the most stunning thing we had seen, since we held her when she was born. All four of us, Chad, the boys and I had held her since she was a tiny baby. And, we looked at her now, so removed yet so close to us. It was .... unexplainable.

In the next moments, we were joined by our dear immediate family and closest friends who also viewed the beautiful angel in front of us. Sobs... sighs.... Pain.... was evident. Everyone agreed, she was stunning. We quickly made the decision to go ahead and leave the casket open for the remainder of the visitation. It became utterly clear that so many others, especially the group of 11 year old's coming tonight would need to see this amazingly beautiful sight in order to find some sort of reality or closure to what had happened. It was a unanimous decision.

So.... we waited for people to arrive, which seemed to be only a few moments of time, although it was more like an hour that we were there together, viewing her privately before others came. And.... oh my gosh... people came. In droves.

Before we knew it, the funeral home was filled. It is a little bit of a blur... but there were so. many. people.

Susan Hutchison and her husband Paul were AMAZING. There are the funeral directors at Mattson Funeral Home. They had taken care of everything. Every single thing you can think of..... Done. As the visitors arrived, Susan had put out chairs in the center of the viewing room for Chad and I to sit on. Not only did they know that we could not possibly stand for those hours, but the also recognized that the chairs should be raised stools, because that way we would not be at a lower level than our guests. This way, we were eye to eye with them, yet we did not have to stand. At one point, Susan excused us from out duty for a mandatory break in the back room to have a bite to eat and a rest. She knew exactly what to do. We are so grateful for her, to this day!  Our boys, stood right behind us though, for most of the event, never leaving our sides. Forever, having our backs. 

There were so many people that came out to honor our girl. Later, Susan told us that the number was around 500 guests. The line was out the door, down the sidewalk/ block, waiting to see our baby, and us. There are so many things I do not remember. I am not really sure what any one person said, but I do have a general sense of what it was like.

There was person after person that had walked by all of the photos and memorabilia laid out for Hailee and then past the casket where she laid, on to us. We found ourselves actually consoling others. I know this sounds odd and I do not say it our of disrespect at all... but it was the role that we took on for those three hours. People were out of sorts. They did not know what to say. Most cried. Some averted eye contact. Everyone seemed to be quivering, hands shaking, voices cracking.

I think we smelled every single kind of cologne and perfume. Realized who smoked and who didn't and quite honestly who had a nip or two off the bottle before coming. Our senses were on high alert. I do not say these things to offend anyone, so please understand that. I only am trying to be as real and raw as I can to help you understand what it was like.

People told us how sorry they were. How they could not believe what had happened. People passed by us without any words at all, only a look of terror on their faces. We later learned that our "kitchen friends" watching from the sidelines, had a very hard time. In fact, our friend Leah at one point was having an anxiety attack watching all of the people come by us. She had announced to another friend... "That's enough. They have had enough.... everyone has to leave right now!". Of course, that was not realistic and we stuck it out and I hope, greeted almost everyone.

After what seemed like a full day, it was done. Time to pack up and head home. Time to leave our girl, once again. I am telling you now, it was AWFUL. There is noting in the world like this. Although it was a relief to see her peaceful and beautiful... every part of my being wanted Chad to pick up her lifeless body, put her in the car, take her home and put her in her bed. That is the honest truth.

Instead of being admitted to a mental institution, we appropriately left the building, got in our car and drove home as a family of four. That was the last time we would see her beautiful face. Appreciate the curves of her face, the shade of her hair the shape of her hands. Her pink fingernails, her perfect eyebrows. The last time we would look at her full lips and long eyelashes. Her "piano player" fingers, her tanned skin. Her un-pierced ears and her long arms. It is our last view of our girl. We cherish and despise that moment, all at the same time. It felt so final, yet we knew there was much, much more to come.....

Heidi