Part 10~ Finalizing Plans and Panic Situation

After our visit with Grandma, we had to meet at the church with Pastors Norm and Jeremy to finalize our selections for Hailee's funeral service. We had put a lot of thought into what we wanted for music. We trusted Norm and Jeremy's insight on the message that would be given.

We had selected the music that we would want and also had selected readers for the Scripture readings. We selected the pallbearers and honorary pallbearers. We selected who would give the Eulogy.

We just kept going through the motions of this disaster... somehow. We made decisions when we had to and moved along in the numbness the rest of the time. We were doing our very best to stay focused and calm, but there were so many things wrong with the situation. For the life of us, we could not figure out how just short of 48 hours ago, Hailee had died.

I have often explained to people the feelings during that time. If you are reading this and you have children then you will know what I mean by this explanation. Have you ever had your young child in Target, or Walmart with you. You know, when they begin to exude their independence and are now big enough to walk in the store vs. ride in the cart? I am sure most can to relate to the feelings when that child goes out of your sight, around the corner, under a clothes rack... that fear, panic and sickness in your stomach until you can find the child? That is what it was like. We were afraid, panicked and anxious, yet we could not find Hailee no matter how hard we looked. She wasn't around the aisle in the store, she was not back in the toy aisle. She didn't pop out from under a clothes rack. We were just left with the constant feeling of panic and fear and longing.

We finalized our plans at the Church and had an assignment to pick up CD's for two of the songs we had chosen for the service as there were more contemporary and they would be played over the stereo system. We also still had to finish selecting photos for the video, put photos in frames to have sitting out at the services, and ... oh my gosh... Chad and I both needed clothes. Furthermore, we had to select what Hailee would wear as her final outfit. Didn't see that one coming until Susan at Mattson's gently reminded us. We would have to go shopping. On top of that, the boys needed haircuts. Sigh. We would have to do that on Tuesday. We decided we had done enough for Monday.

I'm not quite sure I remember what we did after the church... my mind goes back in a blur, but I would guess we went back to the house, had company and worked on our assignments. We were also checking online and seeing the messages of sympathy pouring in on the Mattsons web-site as well as the newspapers as now the obituary was out there. Food??? I guess you could say there was food. There was so much we couldn't even eat it all. None of us were very hungry, but we picked away at it. And... it was ever so hot outside. And sunny. How dare it be nice!!

The next day, Tuesday, started with a trip to the chiropractor for both Chad and I. We could barely move after another night of restless sleep, and sleeping while sitting up for me. We visited Dave Galleberg, our long-time friend and chiropractor in Wyoming. He and his wife Melanie were so kind when they saw us walk in. We didn't even call for an appointment. After 20 minutes or so, feeling a little better, physically anyway we said goodbye to Dave and Mel and headed out to "do the shopping". Thankfully, the boys had their suits ready to go from Leah taking them shopping. So we just had Chad and I and Hailee to shop for. This would be a trip.

We went to Kohls. I was able to find a skirt and blouse and vest for the funeral and another blouse that I could pair with some black dress pants that I already had. Chad picked up slacks and a dress shirt, but we could not find a jacket at Kohls that we liked, so we ended up going to the mall for that. Before leaving Kohls, we had to head to the girls department. We agreed if we were all getting new clothes, so was Hailee.

Just when we were about to walk over to the girls department, my phone rang. It was Susan from the funeral home. We had been in regular touch with her and she knew we would be heading out shopping that day. She called and as kindly as she could, let me know that we were not limited or restricted on the type of dress or blouse that we would choose for Hailee. Susan had inspected her body where the IV's had been in both arms and her neck and assured me that it would not look bad. We could get short sleeve, long sleeve... whatever we wanted. It had come to this. I was so grateful for that phone call. I think about it now and still think how crazy that sounds. I was GRATEFUL to know that my daughter's lifeless body would support whatever outfit we choose because she was not too bruised from all that had been done to her. What????

We ended up selecting a pretty pink, slightly v-necked blouse that was sort of a satin material and black pants. Well not pants really... my mind is blanking right now, but there are shorter pants, but not capris. Kind of look like a skirt, but they are shorts/ pants.... oh well. Maybe it will come to me later what they are called. Hailee had wanted a pair for school. I believe we might have gotten a necklace for her too, but can't remember. I would pack up the outfit, plus underclothes to be taken to the funeral home so Susan could dress her. Arg......

Next we went and found the jacket for Chad, went to Best Buy to find the CD we needed and stopped to get the boys' haircuts. The 15 minutes they were in the chair while I waited in the waiting room was almost too much to bear.

My mind wandered to places is didn't need to be. Thinking about all of it. Reliving it. Wondering.... what had caused this violent illness? My anxieties rose. I wanted to be home, and soon. We left the Fantastic Sams we were at, somewhere in Blaine, I think... and headed for home. About 1/4 of the way back on our 30-40 minute drive, my cell phone rang. It was my Mom. She said they were on their way to our place and were wondering if we were home. I told her we were on our way. I could tell something was off in her voice. Then, she said something I will never forget. She said, "Heidi, we were just at the clinic for Dad's routine bloodwork and Leah came in with Chelsey" (about 4 yrs old at the time and the baby of the 4 girls). Mom said "Chelsey is sick, burning up with fever. Leah was frantic. They are sending her to Children's."

I almost vomited. From the depths of my core, I started to shake. I started to cry. I sobbed out to Chad and the boys what was happening. We were all just sick. I told Mom we would be home in about 20 minutes and she said they would meet us there. They knew we couldn't be alone. I hung up and called Leah. She and her Mom were driving Chelsey to Childrens. I formulated some sort of calmness for Leah's sake because she was freaking out, and driving. Chelsey's temp had spiked to about 104. She had been just fine all day. They were in the floral shop getting flowers for the funeral and Chelsey looked flushed and said she didn't feel good. Leah felt of her head and put her in the car and brought her to the clinic. From there, the Dr.'s said the best bet would be to go to Children's because Chelsey and Hailee saw each other frequently and we still did not have test results back. I asked Leah if Chelsey had been throwing up and she said no. Right after she answered that question, in her back seat, Chelsey threw up. Leah cried, "she is throwing up now". My heart was beating out of my chest I am sure of it. My mouth and throat went dry, my hands became clammy and wet, my head raced. I felt dizzy. I was nauseated. I was in a full blown panic attack.

I told Leah to call me as soon as she got to Children's. I told her I didn't think we could muster up the strength to go back there, but depending on what the Doctors said, we would if we had to. I hung up with her. The mood in our car very somber yet very electric with anxiety. I could barely stand it to sit in the passenger's seat and ride. I was taking deep breaths and was fidgeting. Chad could tell I was climbing out of my skin. He encouraged me to take one of the anxiety pills (ativan) that had been prescribed to me that I had so far refused to take. I took them out of my purse, split one in half (which is a major accomplishment if you have ever seen the size of an ativan) and took it. By the time we got home, I was still very shaken and upset but was able to at least function and breath a little. I called the clinic and they put me right through to our doctor. I was still so upset and he tried to reassure me. He also said he was calling the lab to try and get copies of Hailee's test results to see what her infection had been caused from. I had no idea at that point that there would be NO ANSWER to that question. He called me back not too long after and told me that every single test they had done on Hailee's blood and spinal fluid came back negative. He listed them all to me.... lymes disease, west nile, equine encephalitis..... there were many more. All negative. So... what was it? All he said was, "Heidi, I don't know". He promised to keep trying to find out more information.

The wait was difficult, but Leah made sure she kept us up to date. They checked over Chelsey and contemplated doing a spinal tap but did not feel that it warranted that just due to the fever and vomiting alone. They ran some tests and sent her home. Now, I know what you are thinking because it was exactly what I was thinking. That is what the did with Hailee too! However, Chelsey was not as sick as Hailee and felt a lot better even by the time they had arrived at Children's. To this day, I believe it was a grief reaction that she was having. Everyone around her that she trusted and knew was in a state of full on grief and she didn't know what to do with that. For days, all that was around her was the death, the planning of the services and missing her friend. Her little body revolted. She was absolutely fine by that evening. I, on the other hand had just moved into my hypochondriac stage. Chad and I went to the store and bought new thermometers, and for the next few weeks checked the boys' temperatures more than I would care to admit. We even checked ours a few times!

Finally able to settle down after Leah came by on her way home from the hospital so we could see Chelsey with our own eyes and hug her and kiss her, we waited out the evening, finishing our tasks and going to bed. The next day would be the visitation. I remember thinking, "tomorrow, I will see my baby for the last time". Trying to imagine what that would be like, and I couldn't... I went into a fitful, sitting up, sleep.

All for now,

Heidi