Beautiful Souls

Beautiful Souls
Beautiful Souls of Amoeba Awareness

Wednesday, June 19, 2013

Part 4: Trying to remember it all.....

This next part of the story is very surreal and mystical to me. It is if my being was in a different time zone. I remember the boys getting to the hospital. I believe we sat them down and told them how grave of a situation Hailee was in, and the extreme risk to her life. I can remember them welling up with tears. I remember the rest of the family arriving as well.

At some point, after family arrived, we were called into the conference room to hear the results of the drilling into her skull. It was a poor result. We were informed that the procedure was actually abandoned, because after drilling five holes into her skull, there was no relief of the pressure. In fact, there was not even any bleeding associated with the drilling. That is how swollen her brain was. Of course, the neurosurgeon was delivering the news in the most nonchalant way you could imagine. It was so infuriating.  The news was devastating, yet we still didn't really understand or realize what that meant. The doctors told us that her chance of survival was extremely slim at that this point. They did tell us they were going to take the next several hours to run tests to ensure that they were not missing anything.

I remember the doctors saying they were going to be taking Hailee to a test that would determine if there was any brain activity. They would also do a number of other exams that would determine if there was anything there. There were hours of tests that were performed including ice water being placed in her ears and other stimulus type tests. There were tests that would bring her off of the life support enough to see if she would take a breath independently. There were brain scans.

Seriously?? HOW could this happen? I just could not wrap my brain around what was happening. The sequence of events during this time remains blurry. One thing that stands out in my mind is my boys following Chad and I wherever we went. Even if I went to the bathroom, I would come out and Marcus was right there waiting for me. It was very somber. Very scary and a very long wait.

Finally, the doctors were ready to talk to us. They brought us to a conference room inside the PICU just outside of her room. We invited our immediate family members and my best friend Leah back to the room, while others that had congregated in the main waiting room stayed out there and waited for us. As we passed Hailee's door to her room, where she had a 1:1 Nurse with her at all times, I said to my sister Heather that I thought they were going to tell us that she died. Even then, Heather said, "No, she couldn't have".

We sat down in the room. I was sitting with the most important people of my life, except for one who was lying in a bed nearby. The internist and the neurosurgeon and I believe her nurse were there. They told us in quite a brief fashion that all of the tests that were performed showed no brain activity. No response to stimuli. Nothing. Then they said it. "Hailee has no chance of survival. She has been declared to have had brain death at 1:something- or- another PM today. We are so sorry, we really thought she would be okay." That was it. I looked around the room for someone that loved me to tell me they were wrong. The faces of my loved ones were in pure torture. My boys dropped to the floor, sobbing. Chad, grasping my hand beside me, sobbed. Our parents, siblings looked ashen and in shock. My best friend looked like she did not know what to say or do. Chad's Godmother Mary (who used to be a pediatric ICU nurse and had arrived earlier in the day and held vigil to Hailee through all of the tests) was next to us, her head down, crying.

I looked at the team of Doctors. The very nice internist and the nurse and the self-centered neurosurgeon and told them, "No. It is not possible. You have to do something else. There is no way!". I, of course was sobbing these words out like a 2-year old that didn't get her way. They again apologized and wished there was something they could do. I recall saying "You just don't understand! We don't work without her!! We have to have her in our family! Our world will not spin without her!" I begged. I pleaded and I begged some more.

The neurosurgeon became a little more direct and insistent at this point and began to speak to me in a way that apparently Chad did not appreciate. He suddenly told the neurosurgeon to "Shut your damn mouth, I have heard enough from you!" He then slammed his fist so hard on the table in front of us that I was sure he broke something.

We all sat there for a few moments and the sounds of the pain were something I will never forget. I heard mixes of "no, no, no" and "Dear Lord, please no". Sobs, sniffs and groans. Then..... we needed to go out and talk with the others in the waiting room. The doctors told us to take our time, and to let them know when WE would like them to remove the life support. Seriously. This is what it came to.

I knew that I would not be able to speak to everyone else waiting in the room so we asked Chad's Godmother to make an announcement to the rest of the family and friends waiting. We walked together back to the main waiting area and Mary told the group. She said something on the lines of "Hailee's swelling in her brain was very severe. The doctors have done a number of tests, however her brain has died. Chad, Heidi and the boys will be discussing when they will be removing the life support". Everyone waiting was told they were welcome to wait and welcome to go and see Hailee in the next period of time. The eruption of first silence and then sobs were equally deafening. I wanted to run. Far and as fast as I could. I found a corner of the room with Chad and the boys and we sunk to the floor. What in the Hell just happened? How could it be. I was sick. I wanted to vomit. I wanted to scream. I wanted to die. HOW could we go through this next part?  I clung to Chad and my boys so that no one would take them away and I sobbed as they sobbed. We still had a long road ahead.

Heidi

1 comment:

In loving Memory of These Beautiful Souls

Annie Bahneman~ Age 7~ Minnesota
Blake Driggers~ Age 8~ South Carolina
Christian Strickland~ Age 9~ Virginia
Courtney Nash~ Age 16~ Florida
Dalton Counts~ Age 9~Oklahoma
Elizabeth Simms Hollingsworth~ Age 10~ So. Carolina
Hailee Marie LaMeyer ~ Age 11~ Minnesota
Jack Ariola Erenberg~ Age 9~ Minnesota
Jeff Rosenthal~ Age 19~ Florida
John "Jack" Herrera~ Age 12~ Texas
Marissa Claire Cook-Norris~ Age 7~ South Carolina
Mark Kincade~ Age 27~ Texas
Mason Faubel~ Age 6~ Minnesota
Phillip Gompf~ Age 9~ Florida
Waylon Able~ Age 30~ Indiana
Will Matthews~ Age 14~ Louisiana
William Steven Sellars~ Age 11~ Florida
Zachary Reyna~ Age 12~ Florida