Part 7: Arriving Home

I couldn't even tell you what time we got home, but it was plenty light and sunny out still. My guess is around 6 or 630 pm. We pulled in the driveway and went in the front door. The boys, I think, went to let out the dog. I, on the other hand stood in the entry way and took off all of the clothes I was wearing and put them in the bag with Hailee's clothes. I got my bathrobe and put it on and then took the bag out to the garbage can and dumped it in there. I never wanted to see any of those clothes again. I threw away shoes.... all of it. I even threw away the very expensive sweatshirt I was wearing that belonged to my friend Leah. At the time I didn't know she had spent like 80 bucks on it. She had given it to me to wear at the hospital after I took a shower. We actually have had a few laughs over the years about that one! She wanted to know where her orange sweatshirt was and I said..... "Oh... that??? Ummmm. Yeah. It's in the trash".

I closed the door to Hailee's room and I then went and took another shower. I felt so grubby after being at the hospital, even after the shower earlier in the day. I don't remember what exactly I put on when I got out, something comfortable I suppose.  But I did get dressed because I knew before long, the doorbell would ring and people would be there. I was right.

The company, and food...food and more food started coming within the 1/2 hour of being home. My hair wasn't even dry and there was a spaghetti hot dish and garlic bread there. None of which I could even consider eating. Sure, I pushed a noodle around the plate for a while, but no way was it going to go down. I stuck with my ice water.

I remember Justin asking if he should go and tell Kaitlyn (Hailee's best friend) and our next door neighbors. My heart skipped a beat thinking of him being out of my site for even a minute, but I knew he must have needed to do this task, so I let him go. Our neighbor on the other side was outside-- I am sure trying to figure out what was going on as cars kept coming and coming. I sent out Leah to tell Bill and Shirley. I heard their gasps and cries from inside the house. I needed to call my boss and tell her. She was not home so I just left a message for her to call me when she could, that we had a tragedy happen. I then picked up the many messages on my cell (which had a dead battery the entire time we were at the hospital). I only remember one message from my co-worker and dear friend Sheryl. She was calling about some work-related things but also wanted to know how Hailee was doing. Somehow.... I called her back. I told her we had had the worst happen. I told her Hailee had died. She broke down, sobbing on the other end of the line. I can hear her now if I really try. The phone continued to ring, but I let others deal with the calls.

More friends came by. Each of them with looks of exasperation. Some came right in and held us tightly, while others couldn't make it past the foyer. All this time I sat closely to Chad on the couch, holding his hand, staring at the wall. There was commotion in the house... but I remember almost none of the conversation. My eyes were extremely heavy, yet pried wide open.

What had happened. How? This was everyone's question. Again, surreal. Our friends brought their kids with them, kids that our kids have been close to their whole lives. The kids sat outside together, talking. Before long... a knock came at the door. Someone went to answer the door and there, on the step were Hailee's two best friends from the neighborhood standing, in tears... flowers in their hands. Kaitlyn and Christen stood there, with Christen's mom, speechless. My heart split in two again. These two young ladies had no idea what to say or do. I remember them squeaking out an "I'm sorry". How hard this was. I wanted to grab these girls and never let go. I didn't have the energy for it though. There were simply no words. Just a lot of "wall-staring" going on.

After a time, people started to prepare to leave us and go to their homes. I don't think a single one of them wanted to go, but knew we needed to try and rest. Before leaving, my friends made a plan. We needed to be at the funeral home the next morning. While we were gone, my girl friends planned to come over and clean the house for us, do any laundry etc. (Didn't I tell you earlier how amazing they are?). So off everyone went and suddenly, we were alone. The only room they would not touch or go into would be Hailee's. The four of us, in the living room, dark outside now. Alone. The quiet and stillness was so odd and chilling. We agreed that we would do a camp out in the living room. We just could not send the boys downstairs to their room. We needed to be together. So at 14 and 16, they got their blankets and pillows and made beds on the floor. Chad on the couch and I on the love seat. We had the TV on low and we tried to settle in. We were truly exhausted. We didn't really speak. After a time, the realization set in that the boys were uncomfortable on the floor as we also were on the couch and love seat. We decided that Chad and I would go in our bed and the boys stayed on the couch and love seat. The door to Hailee's room remained closed with a flickering of light under the door because her TV was still on from when she was home. She had been watching "Meet the Parents". It was stuck on the start menu of the movie. We could softly hear the intro music playing in a repeated fashion. We let it be. We fell immediately asleep.

The next recollection I have is waking up in the morning. For a split second, everything was fine. Then, it hit me. She died. She was gone. We had lost her. I couldn't breath. I sat straight up in bed and gasped for air. The sobs that came out of me at that point seemed unearthly. "No.... No...... No.....", I cried. "Please make it not true", I begged. Chad woke up immediately when I sat up and he too went into full-body sobs. The sobs and cries from the living room echoed into our bedroom. She was gone and everyone realized it. I had to get out of the bed and kneel at the side of the bed, just to catch my breath. It was the most horrible moment. Scary, sad, heartbreaking. Our hearts were truly broken.

In the later times I identified with the song by John Mayer, "Dreaming with a broken heart". Some of the lyrics are this:

"When you're dreaming with a broken heart
The waking up is the hardest part
You roll outta bed and down on your knees
And for a moment you can hardly breathe
Wondering, "Was she really here?
Is she standing in my room?"
No she's not, 'cause she's gone, gone, gone, gone, gone....

When you're dreaming with a broken heart
The giving up is the hardest part
She takes you in with her crying eyes
Then all at once you have to say goodbye
Wondering, "Could you stay my love?
Will you wake up by my side?"
No she can't, 'cause she's gone, gone, gone, gone, gone...."


Somehow or the other, we got up and tried to get ready for the day. I don't remember what, if anything we ate. We got dressed and got ready to go to Mattson Funeral Home to meet with Susan, who by the way.... saved us in oh- so- many ways. Friends were on the way to do our household chores and we had an appointment to meet with the Pastor in the afternoon. Off we went.


I remember as we got closer to the funeral home that I realized that she was there. Her body was inside of the building we were going to. I let my mind wonder what she looked like now. Did I want to ask to see her? Should I? Could I? My heart raced again. My baby would be in the next room from me, and I knew I would not ask to see her. I just couldn't.


We arrived, and Susan immediately wrapped us into her kindness and genuine care and somehow, made us feel...... better??? I don't know how she did it, but she was amazing. She walked us through the process and helped us to come to our decisions with such grace and ease. She is awesome!


Now, I must say to you that Chad and I have always been just on the poor side of middle class. We started our life off getting married at 18 and 19 years old and had our first son, Marcus when I was 19 and Chad was 20. After child number 2, Justin... is when Chad went to college. I went to college after Hailee was born. So... we were backwards, so to speak. We have had to look at the price tag on every single thing we ever purchased. We made a very clear decision together at the start of panning of Hailee's final arrangements that we were not going to look at price tags. We were going to choose what we liked and what Hailee would like and we were not going to worry, for the first time in 18 years of marriage. It was a good decision. It made the decisions so much easier to make.

The only thing we couldn't figure out is how we ended up in a meeting room at the funeral home, planning a funeral for our baby girl. How did we get HERE? It made no sense.

More to come,
Heidi