Part 16~ celebrating Hailee~5 years- getting back to work

I want to say that I think we made it through last week pretty well. Friday Aug. 23rd marked the 5 year Angelversary of Hailee's death. It was such a hard week and day, but it was made so much better by being able to spend time with our family and friends that evening for a BBQ and a beautiful candlelight vigil... complete with beautiful music by Mark Kuefler. Mark also sang at Hailee's funeral and has been a friend of ours for many years. We had somewhere between 80 and 100 people present for the event. During the candlelight vigil, many friends and family got up and spoke of their favorite memories of Hailee. Former teachers, classmates, grandparents, friends.... all who had the most wonderful things to say about precious Hailee. It truly warmed our heart.

The morning of the event last Friday, I think Chad and I were both freaking out a little bit, wondering if we were doing the right thing. After all, it has been five years and should we really drag people back into that pain? Would people come? Would they think that kind of a celebration was outlandish? Our nerves were getting the better of us. In the end, though we realized a few things.

1. People came. They wanted to be here.
2. People had things they wanted to say and share about Hailee in that setting.
3. We will never be able to celebrate an 18 birthday, a graduation, a wedding, a birth.... this was the last "big" thing we could do for our girl.
4. We are loved.

Stop and think for just one moment how much other people love you. If it is not clear to you... look a little harder. Put yourself out there, make yourself vulnerable and let the love of others surround you. It will envelope you in the most comforting embrace. You just have to let go, and let people in.

We made and gave out some book marks with Hailee's thumbprint on them and a Thank You from our family, as well as a few phrases from our boys. Everyone seemed delighted to have them.

After the party, just a few of us sat out by the fire to wind down. It was a good night. It was the right thing to do after all. The warmness of our home (which has been in my family for over 100 years) was the perfect setting for the event. Hailee was with us, I imagine smiling.... the whole night.

The following day was a full day of awareness with Swim Above Water at the 2nd Annual Jack Ariola Erenberg Golf Tournament. We were able to speak with many families and raise awareness. We also gave away a Legacy Sponsorship to our upcoming event on Sept. 21st, Awareness Rocks! Our team is working so hard on pulling this event together, it is going to be a blast. For more information on the event and how to become a sponsor or buy tickets, visit www.swimabovewater.org click on the events tab.

Back to 2008~ Ironically, the timing of this writing is very close to where we were  5 years ago. The memories have been vivid. We were preparing to send the boys off to school and go back to work. I'm afraid that I will fail to adequately explain to you the absolute fear we felt in getting back into our routine. It was terrifying. We were going to be apart from one another for the first time since the tragic day. I can remember shaking with fear getting ready for work that first day back.

If knowing that we were going to be apart was not enough of a blow, I was also extremely nervous about greeting my co-workers, and even more so, my residents at work. I knew they were all very heartbroken. I knew they wanted to reach out to me and be near to me, but when I thought about it it made me feel short of breath. Could I just go into work, shut my door and vanish for the 4 hours I planned to be there? I suppose not.

The drive into work I could feel my heart race and my body tingle with anxiety. Each mile I drove away from home and toward work, I became more upset. I verbalized out loud in the car, asking Hailee to help me get through it. Asked her to take away the panicked feeling that I had. My hands were sweating and I felt nauseous.  All I wanted to do was turn around and go back home and never leave again.

Somehow, though.... I knew I had to do this. For, if I gave up or gave in.... our whole family might also. I felt a need to be strong. I wanted to be stronger than this tragedy. I wanted to win some part of this fight. So, I kept going.

I got to work and I was surprised how easy it actually was to walk through the door. What I had not realized at the time was that my wonderful and amazing boss, Mary Cordts had taken care of me. She had spoke with Staff before I came back and reminded them to give me some space. To let me get back in, slowly and at my own pace and allow me to take baby steps. My wonderful co-workers did just that. It was a perfect combination of what I needed. Space to breathe, but they were never more than a short call or walk across the hall if I needed them. And boy..... did I need them.

They were, of course, so very sad. Looking into their eyes I could see that they could not wrap their heads around what had happened. However, they did not pity me, or make me feel weak. Just the opposite. They made me feel loved, validated and able to talk. I cannot say enough to you about how much this group of people helped to save pieces of who I had been. I am forever grateful.

I could not even possibly tell you what, if any work that I got done that day. Pretty sure it consisted of going through some emails and cleaning off my desk. I couldn't wait to get home. My anxiety ebbed and flowed, but 4 hours was enough. I needed home and Chad and my boys.

I remember being so exhausted. I remember having to crank up the volume on the car radio and have the window open for air and noise. I was not listening to the radio at this point, because so many songs would send me into a tail spin. I remember thinking to myself so often.... "what happened? how could I possibly be this person?, how could I have a dead child?" My identity had changed and I had no control or choice in the matter. I think I knew then I was in for a struggle, just getting to know this new self I found myself looking at in the mirror. I would be forever changed, forever a mom who's daughter died. This was a haunting and terrifying thought. What to do first....... one foot in front of the other, baby steps. That is how I got started.

More to come,

Heidi