Part 15~ The Burial

Getting back on track with the blog. My heart has not been in it the past few weeks. I guess I am struggling with a few things. First, this is a horrible time of year. We are just days away from the annual marker, this year being the 5th year. Second, there are two other cases going on right now, Kali who has survived this amoeba, and Zachary from Florida, who is fighting hard, but is struggling. My heart does not know which way to leap, how to feel. I feel so helpless and hurt and terribly guilty for all of the feelings that I cannot seem to control. Third, I cannot sleep. My mind wanders all night and horrible dreams are what are in store for me, should I sleep. This has happened to me each year at this time, but this year they are especially haunting. It is a battle every day, just to be normal. Sometimes I want to run fast and far away from anything to do with this amoeba. I want to run from the awareness duties, run from the pain. I want to hide under my covers, away from all of it and forget about it all. But, I can't. I won't. I will, however takes healthy breaks from it when I need to, which is why this post has been slow to come. Thank you again for following and reading. It really means the world to us that people want to hear our story and that you are using it to help others. God Bless you all!!

Where I left off was Labor Day weekend. School started that Tuesday. I would honestly have to ask the boys if they went those few days, but I don't think they did. If they did go, it was not full days. We still had to get ready to do the burial that week for Hailee. We planned it for a Thursday or Friday... I don't remember which. We had decided on a cemetery plot not too far from us, and really close to where we now live. I mentioned in a previous post why we picked the spot.

As we got ready for burial which was primarily for close family and friends, which actually amounted to quite a crowd, I was so nervous. Unsteady on my feet. Felt like I could not breathe. We were all just spent from the past 10 days or so.

In between the funeral and the burial was actually quite busy. We had frequent company, even a friend from California drove in to be with us. We were getting cards and letters piled in our mailbox daily. It was almost overwhelming. No, it WAS overwhelming. We tried to keep up on reading messages being posted to the online obituary's. We tried to eat up the food. We had to wash some clothes. We tried to keep the house clean. It was hot out. It was sickening, humid and hot. I will never forget that. We tried to sleep, and anxiety attacks would take over. If it wasn't me it was Chad or one of the boys. It was hell on earth, to be perfectly honest.

We had to pull the money together and pay for the funeral. We had to start thank you cards (600 in all were sent out). We had to deal with life insurance companies, closing her account at the bank and withdrawing her tiny savings account. We had to begin to pay the medical bills already arriving in our mail box. A living nightmare.

The day of the burial, I guess you could say was a beautiful day. We arrived at the cemetery and many people were already there. I really didn't want to go, but I really did want to go. So confusing. Knowing we would not see Hailee again, felt awful. When we walked up to somber faces, we were escorted to chairs waiting for us. As we sat down, the urn and vault were in front of us. Everything looked very nice. Pastor Norm and Jeremy were there to do the service. Susan was there from Mattsons. Friends, family gathered around and there was a short service to commit Hailee to her final resting place. It was quite beautiful and oh so ugly.

After, a poem was shared that Susan had found. (I will have to get it and post it on here as it was beautiful). We then (Chad and the boys and I) did a balloon release in her memory. It was so sweet. Then, it was done. We hugged everyone as they cried to us, we.... almost too numb to shed a tear. I think we left and went to eat somewhere. All in in all it was short, and sweet and it was done with. Final.

I was in such a blur that day that I honestly cannot tell you that much about it, which is crazy but true. We went home and began to plan for the next week. Chad and I would go back to work. Yes, after only 2 weeks. We went back to work just 3 days after her burial. We went back 1/2 days for the first week, and then full time. The boys would go back to school.

We faced the task of cleaning her room, washing all of her laundry and bedding and putting everything away. We also..... turned off the TV. It had still been on the movie.... finally, we turned it off. We were taking steps forward. Somehow we just were.

More to come,

Heidi